the following 'rules' were taken out of Marilyn Manson's autobiography The Long Hard Road Out of Hell I thought they were amusing.. and thought i'd at them to the site for your enjoyment as well..
Drugs
Here are a few guidelines according to manson to judge if youre a substance abuser
1. you actually pay for drugs
2. you use a straw as opposed to a rolled up dollar bill
3. you use the word blow
4. Youre a guy and youre backstage at a marilyn manson concert (unless youre a dealer or police officer)
5. You own more than one pink floyd album
6. you do cocaine during a show (if you do it after a show its ok, and before youre teetering on the brink)
7. the mere mention of cocaine makes you pass gas or the sight of it makes you want to take a shit
8. youve written more than 2 songs that refer to drugs
9. you get kicked out of a band for being a drug addict
10. youre friends with a model
11. you live in New Orleans
12. you pay for your groceries with rolled up dollar bills
13. youve ever been in Dr. hook or know the lyrics to a dr. hook song
14. the embossed numbers, particularly the 0s 6s and 9s on your credit card are filled in with a mysterious white powder
15. Youre alone in your hotel room on tour and you do drugs
16. you do drugs before 6 pm or after 6 am
17. you hate everybody (if you like everybody youre on ecstasy and Im against you)
18. you know the name for the fleshy crevice between your thumb and index finger
19. youve ever said this is my last line or which line is the biggest?
20. you invite people to stay at your home while youre on drugs
21. you tell anybody about your childhood while on drugs
22. youre not thinking about tits right now
23. you say I only do this when Im with you
24. you have your body guard watch the door when you go to the bathroom
25. youre a guy and you talk to a girl who has a boyfriend for more than five minutes because she has drugs
26. youre a child actor
27. if you make this book into a game and do a line everytime drugs are mentioned then not only are you and addict but you may be dead.
Homosexuality
Manson says All women are by nature lesbians. So lets get things straight (no pun intended) if you meet any of the qualifications below, you are gay!
1. If you get someone elses sperm on you
2. If youve ever owned a Smiths album
3. If you get hard while sucking another guys dick
4. If Michael Stipe is in the room with you and youre having sex with a woman, youre bisexual
5. if youre at a gay bar, youre not gay, but if youre at a straight bar and talk to anohter guy longer than you talk to a girl, youre gay.
6. If you tap your feet to a Smiths song
7. If you discuss art for more than 45 minutes
8. if youve ever worn a beret
9. if you kiss a guy and he has a hard-on
10. If you have any kind of sex with male or female to the Smiths, youre gay
11. If your only purpose in life is to get girls pregnant so they can have more girls to have lesbian sex together
12. if you jack off and you get cum on yourself
13. If you get a boner watching Gilligans Island
14. If you dont get a boner watching Bewitched
15. If theres a Smiths song on in a bar and youre in the bathroom with your dick in your hand
16. If your name is Richard and you go by Dick
17. If youre friends with anyone named Dick
18. If you dont cheat on your wife, youre only using her as a prop to make people think youre not gay
19. If youre friends with a model
20. If you fuck a girl who likes the Smiths
21. If you dont eat meat because the Smiths album Meat Is Murder had an impact on your life
22. if you do anything spiritual
23. If you fuck a pregnant woman and shes carrying a boy, youre gay If you get sperm on the Amniotic Sac, the baby will grow up to be gay too.
24. If youve ever had a haircut like Morrissey
25. If youve ever had a haircut while a Morrissey or Smiths album was playing in the room
26. If youve ever talked about or owned a crystal especially if its crystal meth
27. If youve ever put Band-Aids on your nipples as a fashion statement
28. If youve ever spent more than a week on South Beach
29. If youre not thinking about tits right now
30. If you still liked Judas Priest after you heard that rumor that Rob Halford was gay
31. if you get a hard on while taking a shit
32. If you know what sperm tastes like (especially if its your own)
33. if you kiss a girl with tongue after shes swallowed your cum
34. if you get a hard on while reading this
35. If you know the names of anyone whos been in the Smiths, besides Morrissey and Johnny Marr
36. If youre a male model
37. if you get choked up listening to Boys Dont Cry by the cure
38. If youre a clothing designer
39. If your first, last, middle, or only name is Morrissey
Cheating
Manson claims to have never broken any of these rules hard to believe from a famous rock star who could get almost anyone they wanted.. but good.. cuz cheating is just plain stupid.. so just follow the rules..
1. You can squeeze fake tits because theyre not actually real so youre not cheating
2. If you dont remember the name, it doesnt count
3. If you dont call them afterwards, it doesnt count
4. Blowjobs dont count; theyre like handshakes and autographs
5. if you cuddle, youre cheating
6. If you are in a time zone that is ahead of the time zone your girlfriend is in, use the following equation to determine whether or not youve cheated: let X be the time differnce and let Y be the number of hours that have elapsed sine you slept with another woman. if you talk to your girlfriend and y<x then you havent cheated. because it hasnt happened yet. if Y>X you cheated
7. if you are in Europe, Canada, South America, or Japan, you marriage license is not valid so you can sleep with anyone you want
8. If you fuck someone the night before seeing your girlfriend its ok cuz its just practice to make sure you dont prematurely ejaculate with your girlfriend
9. If it was part of a public performance it doesnt count
10. If youre doing it to help your career it doesnt count, but if she thinks you can help her career then youre cheating
11. if you remember the name of a girl that someone else had a onenight stand with then you cheated because you thought about it more than the person who got laid did. If you dont have a girlfriend this just makes you desperate and counts as one cheat against your future girlfriend
12. if its someones birthday it doesnt count
13. if the girl has a tattoo with your name on it, then its just common courtesy to have sex with her
14. If you have anal sex with some one it doesnt count because its not coitus (unless youre dating Morrissey)
15. If she has the same name as your girlfriend its not cheating, or if the first letter of her name is the same. if neither of these apply spritz her with your girlfriends favorite scent before having sex, and youre alright
16. if you tell them you respect them in the morning and mean it, youre gay!